shout outs

First shout out of the day goes to my mom!!!! Its mothers' day so I think its only appropriate. If you don't know my mom, you're missing out. She's amazing. I love you mom!!



The second shout out goes to my family dinner friends. For the last two years my friends Jake and Sarah Hering have hosted about 10-15 people at their apartment for dinner on Sunday nights. The point is hospitality and fellowship and the result has been this great group of people who have become like family to me. I've known Jake and Sarah since Jr. High and am continually astounded when I stop to think that they're now some of my closest friends. This was our last officially family dinner because a lot of us are graduating and moving away. It was bittersweet. It was lots of fun but incredibly sad to think that its over. I've learned so much about giving without expecting in return and about hospitality in love from Jake and Sarah and our family dinners. These are priceless things that I'll carry with me in ministry in the future.

the weight of final moments

Well, I've failed, apparently. My goal was to blog every day this month and I've missed the last 3. Oh well, I'll keep trying! Hopefully those will be the only three days I miss.

Everything seems sweeter in this time. Every conversation, interaction seems to hold so much more weight to it as i count down the days until I'm done with my time at Moody. It is weird. Chicago feels (yes, Jake, feels...you can't argue with me:))like it has become my city. I'm actually really glad that I have a few weeks to enjoy it after school and before moving. I just wish more of the people I love and care about were staying around for those few weeks too. On the other hand, the goodbyes can't go on forever so I guess the somewhat gradualness is nice, significantly less heart wrenching than if it were all crashing in at once.

There are a lot of little things I have to do before I move... and a lot of big things I suppose. Things like change my address with every institution that needs my address. Get a new cell phone (the most recent digression of my cell phone is that the "0" key has to be pressed about 5 times before it will take...). sift through and pack all of the junk I've accumulated over the last four years. graduate from college. check the girls off my floor. clean my floor. decide which boxes I'm throwing away, which I'm storing at my sister's house and which I'm hauling out to PA. I'll stop boring you with the details. All these things and all I want to do is be with people. and sleep... i really want to sleep. But mostly I want to be with people. Should make for an interesting week. My parents get here on Tuesday. Thats only three days away.

i am the world's best procrastinator

so, I'm not "really" blogging tonight...Below are picture of why. I'm writing a term paper thats due tomorrow. I'm a little behind; note the stack of commentaries on my desk. Anyways, I hope you have a good night's sleep...

until i'm consumed by His tanglible glory and presence

I'm in a place of life where things seem to be changing a lot lately. I'm in the last week of classes of my college career. New and exciting things are happening with even more on the horizon for the next year. I've been thinking lately about how easy it is to cling to things and define myself by them (the people around me, my possessions, my talents, my creativity)when in reality those things don't and shouldn't define me. Any good in them is simply a reflection of the One who does define me.

Earlier this school year we sang a song at church that I'm adopting as my prayer. Because despite the many wonderful things in my life, I want none of them to define me only Christ. But here's the thing: I don't usually live like that. Though on my better days I'm more convinced of that desire, I know that I get sucked into lesser things all the time. Thus, it will be my prayer until I'm consumed in His tangible glory and presence.

Everything by Tim Hughes

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

my new pen pal...to be

This is Katelyn. She is currently my sister RA here at Moody. It has been a great year working with her, getting to know her, and enjoying precious friendship with her. She is beautiful(inside and out), deep, fun, hilarious and really thoughtful. She's been especially encouraging this past week and its warmed my heart.

She came to church with me this morning and we got to talk about life, real life: our families, our thoughts, quirks, potential pit falls, coffee, the list goes on. Then, we got to worship together. There are few things that bring you into deep relationship with someone like worshiping with them. I especially love singing when she is sitting next to me because God has given her an amazing voice and she loves to praise Him with it.

A couple weeks ago, Katelyn and I decided that when I leave, we're going to become pen pals. I'm really excited. Its been quite a while since I've had a pen pal. I'm also hoping that this pseudo public announcement of our arrangement will hold me somewhat accountable to actually making it happen. :)

graduation and new years resolutions

My graduation cap and gown have been staring back at me for about two weeks now.I hung them from the phone in my bed room (i live in a college dorm, remember?...the cramming it would have taken to hang it in the closet would have made it even more wrinkled)hoping that four weeks is enough time for the wrinkles to shake out so I don't have to iron my gown two weeks from now when I walk across the stage at Moody Church. It seems that people have already started saying goodbye and I've gotten my "what I'm doing after graduation" spiel down to a succinct 30 seconds or so. Its so strange, getting ready to leave this place. I've got a little bit of homework left to do, sometimes I think about the papers and projects in between the bridal showers, impromptu parties, coffee dates,and figuring out what on earth I am going to do with all my stuff.

Its May 1,2010, a new month! Here is why that is significant: I'm not typically a new year's resolution kind of girl, but this year I decided to piggy back off of my sister's new years resolution to give up something different each month. I'm tweaking it a bit and broadening it to either abstaining from something different or adding something different to my life each month. So far, I've "given up" things. January was listening to secular music in my room; February was facebook; March was french fries and potato chips; April was coffee. My success each month has varied. :) Why am I doing this? I keep asking myself that same question. I guess there are a few reasons. One reason is simply discipline and self control. I wouldn't say that discipline is one of my greatest strengths and I want to grow in it. Another reason is the same reason that many people (mostly for "religious" reasons) fast. I really enjoy the things I've "fasted" from so far. So, when I abstain from them, there is something in me that misses them, that "hungers" for them. I want to hunger for Jesus like that. I want to know that anxious longing in the pit of my stomach when I haven't thought of or spent time with Jesus. Wouldn't it be interesting if, like the first week or so without coffee, I had a headache when I hadn't carved out time for just me and the Lord? Maybe its more a "soul-ache."

Anyways, all of the above to say, that this month, my goal is to blog every day. I have no idea what I am going to blog about for the next 30 days. It should be interesting, and probably boring. But, nonetheless, here we go! Please be gracious if I miss a day. My purpose is not to stress myself out or condemn myself with this resolution, just to think about my life a little bit more; writing about it helps me think. So, here we go! I'm sure the posts will vary in content and length; I can't promise they will be exciting, entertaining or interesting, so continue reading at your own risk. I probably picked the least convenient time to do this. I'll be ending the semester and moving and questioning my sanity on multiple occasions, I'm sure. I think that's all the more reason to do this now, though. I need to take time to stop and think if I'm going to make it out in one piece.

I'm going to leave you with my most recent favorite picture. My adorable niece and my dad...who are we kidding? He's pretty adorable in the picture too. :)



It should be noted that I stole this picture from my sister's facebook. Thanks, Ange!

the gospel misunderstood and internal processing

I participated in class discussion today. I'm not quite sure what came over me. Usually, I sit in my corner of the classroom, take in what everyone else is saying, mull it over in my head, maybe jot down a few of my personal thoughts on the subject in the margins of my notes; but I rarely, if ever, raise my hand and offer my opinions or input in class discussion. I've been evaluating why I never speak in class and I've attributed it to the fact that I'm an internal processor. I'm not too great at thinking on my feet. I'm definitely NOT a verbal processor and am quite comfortable with silence. This drives some of my friends crazy but I like to have a thought formulated before I speak it. This is not to say that I don't do my share of speaking before thinking but as far as the thoughts that I intentionally own by saying out loud, I like to make sure I want to own what I'm about to say. This has been a really long paragraph to say that I'm an internal processor... I digress.

We were talking in my Gospel of John class today about John 6 and the Bread of Life passage. In verses 28 and 29 Jesus talks to the people about what the "work of God" is. This led our discussion to the issue of works and faith and how we, as the Church, have misconstrued the idea of what it means to work for God. We talked about how we've limited it to ministry, doing things for the church,etc. As we were getting down to the root of what working for God is, my professor asked how we begin to bring our understanding of working for God back to being grounded in belief and faith. This is when I felt myself raise my hand. Thankfully my brain caught up with my hand in time and I talked about how it starts with our mindset: how we mentally, and in our hearts, approach the things we do and think. I suggested that there is great need of re-evaluating the things we do "for God" through the lense of the gospel.

I think, on some level, for the past 20 years of my life I have misunderstood the gospel. I have rarely thought (at least cognitively) that there was much use for it after conversation. This school year I've realized how dead wrong I've been. As a follower of God, a Jesus-lover and truth proclaimer, my life should be gospel-oriented. My friend Maureen is always asking me, "How does the gospel apply to this situation?" The gospel says that Jesus alone is the way for salvation. God looks at me and instead of seeing my sin, He sees Jesus. He sees that Jesus has paid my debt in FULL and I now owe nothing. There is so much freedom in that! That means that (getting back to working for God...) I can have this long list of things I "should" do and if I don't do them, nothing is different about my identity than if I had. God neither loves me more nor less. My works, or lack there of, do not make Him see more or less of Jesus when He looks my direction. That means, on one hand, there is beautiful and abundant grace when I fall short. That also means that I am compelled out of thankfulness and love for my Lord to do those things which please Him. But that list of things that I should do is so much less daunting (and less of a "working" mentality) when I recognize first that my identity is secure because of Jesus.

Apparently, I feel pretty strongly about these thoughts since I had the guts to speak up in class. I had plenty of pauses during which I regained my thoughts. I probably said more than I should. At one point one of my "somewhere between acquaintance and friend"s glanced back and shot me a "wow, you're still talking" look. Don't be holding your breath, it probably won't happen again for a while, but I figure its about time to show my professors what my voice sounds like. After all, this is my 8th semester here.

I'll leave you with a picture of where I was around this time my senior year of high school. Partially, I'm in a nostalgic mood and partially I am wishing I was back at this beach instead of watching it snow even more here in chicago. I'm totally over this whole snow thing.

flowers

i really love them. There are 3 bouquets on my coffee table right now all from dear dear friends.

one of the bouquets is daffodils, my personal favorite flower. Its my first bouquet of the season. They've all opened so quickly and fill my room with the sweetest aroma. Emily brought them today. Their bright and cheery presence is more than welcome. Em and I are planning a date to the botanical gardens sometime during daffodil season, hoping they will have another daffodil exhibit.

thanks dear friends for all your flowers and the love they represent. i am blessed.

snow magnets

Well, apparently, Holly and I are snow magnets. That is what I have decided to call us. We were supposed to travel to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in December to talk through details of an internship we'll be starting together in June. However, Harrisburg received a huge snow storm that weekend and we got stuck in Cincinnati for eight hours before flying back to Chicago. I've been telling people we just flew to Cincinnati to eat Chic-Fil-A for lunch and Cinnabons for dinner. :) I think that maybe I just do that because it helps the memory become fonder and less frustrating than that particular weekend actually was. So, we rescheduled our trip for this weekend. We were supposed to leave on Saturday but our soon to be boss called on Thursday to see if we could make it out on Friday because they were expecting another huge snow storm on Friday night. After scrambling around for most of Thursday, we got it worked out. On Friday, we landed in the Baltimore Airport an hour and a half before they closed it through this afternoon. We got to watch a little less than two feet of snow fall like sparkling sugar from the sky and blanket South Western PA. Its beautiful.

Its been a decently productive weekend so far, despite getting snowed in on Saturday and having church get canceled on Sunday. Its been a mandatory break which, if you know anything about my life and schedule, is a really nice blessing. We woke up this morning to the reality that another snow storm is currently hitting Chicago. Our flight back is currently delayed by over 2 hours. We aren't holding our breath to make it out of here tonight. I've actually started laughing about it. Here's the funny part. The storm that is currently keeping us out of Chicago will soon be the storm that keeps us from leaving PA. Its supposed to start snowing here tomorrow afternoon as it leaves Chicago and continues through Wednesday. So, this weekend trip could quite possibly change into a week-long trip. We'll see what happens. For now, I'll keep checking Southwest's website every 20 minutes and laughing at the irony of it all. The great thing is that I'm surrounded by some amazing people who are more than hospitable and am traveling with a dear friend. I guess we're getting a head start on spending most of our time together (we'll be living and traveling and working together next year...). If it snows when we move here in June, I'll be seriously reconsidering. :)

what makes my left eye twitch

As I think about what I want to do with the rest of my life, my back gets tense and my left eye comes close to twitching. It’s a slightly intimidating thought.[because, i mean, seriously, the "rest of my life" is incredibly daunting and all encompassing. There are few things I'm sure I will want to do for that long... at the same time, who's to say how long that will be?] I feel less sure about what I want to do after leaving this place (where I’ve learned and grown the last three and a half years) than I did when I started. However, I think I’m surer of who I am, or maybe who I’m not. I’m confident that my identity in Christ, according to the gospel, is secure no matter where I sojourn from here.

I guess I’m a little bit scared of making plans, but I do have ideas, hopes, interests and dreams. The small pieces of what I want to do are coming together. I’m still waiting for the connecting pieces to find their way into my life but that is the beauty of it, journeying forward even in the face of the unknowns, holding the hand of the One who knows all.

These are the few things I know I want to do: I want to be a disciple maker. This requires living intentionally and building edifying relationships with the people around me, investing in those who desire to seek the face of the Lord and serve Him. I’m still figuring out what that looks like outside of the college environment, which has proved especially conducive to such living. I have so much more to learn and I think I'm only beginning to understand the implications of the call of Christ to make disciples.

Secondly, I want to be involved in missions in some way, shape or form. I love cultures and find such joy in connecting in different ones. Seeing the gospel intersect a culture as well as people’s lives individually is one of the most beautiful and exciting things I think I’ve ever seen.

Lastly, I really do enjoy what I’ve studied in Print Media. I don’t know how it fits with the other things I’m interested but for now I’m seeking ways to continue develop my skills in writing and design. I’m meeting with different designers and editors from time to time just to learn about their experiences and how they’ve gotten where they are.

So where am I going? I have absolutely no idea. I’m in the process of working out an internship for the first year of my post-Moody [Bible Institute] life which is exciting, terrifying and somewhat sad all at the same time. This has been a rich place in my life. I guess that's pretty typical of a lot of college students. But, never-the-less, rich it has been in countless ways. Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m still alive when I think about the things I’ve endured here: crazy schedules, drama that accompanies living with 28 other women, cafeteria food (for which I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong…), and among other absurd things, unfathomable amounts of reading and papers. But, those things, and the unsolicited stress they’ve brought to my life over the past 3 ½ years, really pale to the people and experiences I’ve encountered. Its cliché and vague but I’m being sincere. I’m blessed. God is merciful and gracious.

Hi, my name is george... like the monkey. It's nice to meet you.

I'm currently in NYC at my sister's house for Christmas. They live on the upper west side of Manhattan so its been so much fun! More to come on the city itself, but this post is about my adorable little niece. My first day I taught her "oooo-aaaah" like a monkey. Ever since she will break out in monkey sounds randomly. Its hilarious.A few days later she connected the sound with Curious George. The other morning she woke up and I was still on my air matress in the living room. She scooted up to me and said, "oh! Hi George!" with this little clever smile on her face. She has a hard time saying my name but hey, at least she calls me something. :)

intentionality

I'm learning things about myself lately. Specifically, I'm realizing that I'm a pretty intentional person and that I have pretty good memory for the little quirky things in life like people's middle names, the specifics of conversations that happened a really long time ago or the random little facts that people tell me about themselves. I'm going to border on narcissistic for a second and say that I like that I remember silly things and that I'm probably ridiculously intentional at times. My intentionality and hyper-sensitive memory often lend, however, to my being less than efficient and somewhat anxious about spontaneity- I like to have a plan. I'm not always great at planning and I have a strange semi-aversion to organized activities but I like to have at least an idea of whats going on.

For example, there are certain streets I really enjoying walking down and will walk even three or four blocks out of my way to do so. I like the way the trees on La Salle look, especially right now. I like the way that the apartments on Chestnut just East of Clark St. smell like fresh clean laundry at certain part of the day. I absolutely love walking down Deerborn and marveling at the architecture and the lamps that have actual flames instead of light bulbs. I like the way that the trees on Wells just in front of lot C look right now. The branches are almost bare but there are a few incredibly bright yellow leaves still lingering. A friend today said they look like ornaments hanging from the tree; he was right. I will make it a point to walk through this certain part of the plaza in the fall. The smell reminds me of the trees in the Gieseke's (my next door neighbors growing up...) side yard and the hundreds of rotten crab apples that would turn to mush on the ground in the fall. I used to dodge swarms of bumble bees while standing in their side yard to hit the volleyball against our house. Usually Jesse was up in the tree throwing the small hard apples at me.

I also am inclined to remember things people tell me that they like. Every time I walk down a candy aisle I look for Jelly Belly dutch mints because Bethany Jackson loves them and they don't make them anymore I don't think. I did find a close substitute at a local candy shop, however. I look for coconut Hershey's kisses for Holly every chance I get. I cut out every cupcake picture I find in my monthly Real Simple magazine to give to Sarah Grace because she loves cupcakes. I really like to get purple things and use them or wear them around my niece because its her favorite color. I have found myself on more than one occasion standing in a store aisle trying to decide which color get to get of something (shirts, binders, pens, toothbrushes, etc...) and have chosen the purple one because Ladybug would like it. And without fail, if next time I see her and I'm using my newest purple item, she comments on how much she likes it because its purple. :)

These are things I was thinking about while I went on my walk today. (I saw the trees on Wells and on LaSalle and the lamp on Deerborn... i missed the laundry smell today, though.)I'm currently learning how to use my bend toward intentionality and memory with things that matter a little bit more than candy and pretty streets. Things like the people in my life and the monuments in their lives or the things that encourage them. Its an exercise and can be hard at times but I'm finding it brings a lot of joy.

The picture below is at our favorite apple orchard in the Des Moines area. Laina and I had a rubber ducky race. She won. :)

the weekend is a beautiful thing

On Saturday morning, I have a date. I have a leaf collecting date with a 5 year old little girl named Abby Smith and I can't wait. I've been looking forward to it since I first talked to her mom about it at the RA picnic. Abby and I walked around Lincoln Park that day and collected leaves for probably close to an hour. It was so much fun. Saturday we're going to collect them, take some pictures and put together a little package to send to her grandparents who live in Mexico. Apparently one of the things they miss the most from the Midwest US is the changing of fall leaves. We're going to modgepodge some leaves on a picture frame with a picture of Abby playing in the leaves and then we'll mail them some of the fall leaves we collect. I can't wait! I have some pressed leaves modgepodged into my journal from last fall and I love looking back through. I collected the leaves on a much needed walk with Laurie Dori last October. The leaves are accompanied by some heart-felt words that searched for God and that reflected incredibly honest cries from my heart on behalf of myself and my friends. We were walking through some rough stuff together around this time last year. A lot has changed since then, and we've grieved a lot, and are still grieving, but my hope and prayer is that we can continue the process together because communal grief is a beautiful part of the Body that we often miss out on I think. I truly hope that as we move forward we can see together how our tears are changed to joy in the hands of our Abba, and that when the tears still fall many years from now we can cry and hurt together again while at the same time rejoicing in the wounds that grace and love have healed.
I guess I went pretty deep from my initial excitement of my playdate with Abby. I didn't know I was going there when I started writing but it merited writing about. I hope my leaf-collecting time with Abby is as special and monumental as it was with Laurs. :) I'm sure it will be in its own way. Happy Fall, friends!

22

My mom's status on facebook today reads, "vinte e dois anos atras eu encontrei um amendoim" which means "twenty-two years ago I found a peanut." its a family joke but basically, she calls me Peanut. She always has, I can't remember a time when she didn't. I didn't realize that it might even be a little bit odd until I was 20 or so and my brother-in-law looked at me confused and said, "what did she cal you?" I don't mind, its never been embarrassing. Anyways, all that to say that I turned 22 today. Everyone made much too big a deal of it, I got publicly humiliated more than enough times, thanks guys. :) But, I feel incredibly loved, and thats a blessing. Its first birthday I have actually felt older.Not necessarily since yesterday when I was a mere 21 years of age but just thinking back to last year at this time. It is also the first year that people over the age of 10 have told me that I am old and legitimately meant it. Granted, the people that told me that are only one or two years younger than me but still. I'm sure my sisters will give me grief for this but thats ok. My oldest sister, Christine, was married with two kids at my age and Angela was just getting married i think. So strange to think of. I'm a senior in college with very little idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I have some thoughts and ideas but nothing too concrete. But I'm ok with that for now. Its keeping me in the present and I'm grateful.

waiting

I guess its been a while since I've written on here. I've never been terribly faithful at keeping it up to date. But, I had a coffee date with Andrea and I always come away inspired to write after I spend time with her. :)

I quit my job approximately a month and a half ago, but I left for the summer in May so I haven't actually worked in quite some time. It seems ludicrous to quit a steady job with the economy as it is and I fought it for a long time, wondering and questioning whether is was a blind step of faith into darkness or if it was just plainly irresponsible. At RA retreat last Fall, Bruce encouraged us to develop a "breath prayer;" I started praying pointedly that God would teach me to trust Him, really trust Him. I don't think I knew what I was asking for, and I think I'm still only partially aware. But this past 5-6 weeks or so have been a glimpse. I've never depended so much on the Lord to meet my needs in such a raw way. I am living one random babysitting or ushering job to the next and its beautiful. It has made me so much more aware of what my legitimate needs are, and what desires I have confused with need.

All this is incredibly humbling and at times I sit in agonizing silence before the Lord. But its teaching me to wait. I think for a long time I have thought that "waiting before the Lord" was about whatever signified the end of the wait but I'm realizing that its less about the answer than it is about the process of waiting because in the waiting, strength and faith are increased. I'm realizing that God cares much more about the posture of my heart and the integrity and devotion of my character than He does about my long term goals to serve Him. Its been a long, hard, and incredibly precious few weeks.