waiting

I guess its been a while since I've written on here. I've never been terribly faithful at keeping it up to date. But, I had a coffee date with Andrea and I always come away inspired to write after I spend time with her. :)

I quit my job approximately a month and a half ago, but I left for the summer in May so I haven't actually worked in quite some time. It seems ludicrous to quit a steady job with the economy as it is and I fought it for a long time, wondering and questioning whether is was a blind step of faith into darkness or if it was just plainly irresponsible. At RA retreat last Fall, Bruce encouraged us to develop a "breath prayer;" I started praying pointedly that God would teach me to trust Him, really trust Him. I don't think I knew what I was asking for, and I think I'm still only partially aware. But this past 5-6 weeks or so have been a glimpse. I've never depended so much on the Lord to meet my needs in such a raw way. I am living one random babysitting or ushering job to the next and its beautiful. It has made me so much more aware of what my legitimate needs are, and what desires I have confused with need.

All this is incredibly humbling and at times I sit in agonizing silence before the Lord. But its teaching me to wait. I think for a long time I have thought that "waiting before the Lord" was about whatever signified the end of the wait but I'm realizing that its less about the answer than it is about the process of waiting because in the waiting, strength and faith are increased. I'm realizing that God cares much more about the posture of my heart and the integrity and devotion of my character than He does about my long term goals to serve Him. Its been a long, hard, and incredibly precious few weeks.